What’s Alcoholism Like?
My struggle is alcoholism and my drink of choice is beer. All kinds of beers, I love trying different types. Of course, I have had countless nights drinking mixed drinks at bars, house parties, taking shots, an occasional glass of wine, and things like that. But beer has always been my go-to. I love it! It feels like I’ve been hooked since forever, I love how it relaxes me. How it makes me comfortable in my skin. How it opens me up and helps me forget about all of my problems. And to be honest, a lot of my best thoughts and ideas come out after I start drinking. I usually have a lot of anxiety throughout the day until I get my first drink. It’s almost like a best friend that I need to talk to when I’m stressed to calm down, as pathetic as that sounds. I rarely take a night off. I’ve been drinking 10+ beers a night for I would say over a decade and skipped very few nights in that time span. I’d say, I easily drink over 300+ days a year, easy, but I’m sure during over a decade that number has been over 350+ days a year on average.
I’ve never been one to admit I have a real problem, except when it comes to alcoholism. And I’ve been fighting it for quite some time. I’m not sure how long, but a long time. I have a wife and son, and I know what I’m doing is detrimental to my health, and I need to cut it out of my life if I want to be there for my family in the future. It’s easy to keep on drinking day after day, night after night, and the reason is not just because I love beer and its effects, it’s because it’s all around me. I cannot escape it! It’s everywhere in my life. ALL of my friends drink, and so do all of my family, except my son of course. I’m not saying those people have problems as I do, most of them don’t, but they all drink. Almost all the activities I like doing involve having a beer, not nearly all but you get what I mean..
I drink very often alone as well on nights that I’m not out and about. Maybe that is at least the first step to take is to cut out drinking alone. And it’s looking like I’m going to have to spend even more time alone so I might as well get used to that. Why do I have to spend a lot more time alone you might ask? Because, its almost like if I want to let go of my alcoholism, I have to let go of going out and being social. I can’t just be the guy sitting out every time I see people drinking, I want to have a good time too, and for me as I mentioned, beer does so much more for me than just having a good time. And I don’t want to make people feel guilty for drinking around me. Or have it be the reason some people don’t drink, is because they find out I’m struggling with alcoholism (I haven’t admitted to anyone, except my wife, that I have a real problem). Maybe I could say no to bars because for me it would be impossible not to drink there. But honestly, I think I would have to start saying no to a lot of things. Like when my buddies get together to watch football or hockey, we always have a few beers. Or dinners out on the town, we always have drinks, sometimes a happy hour before that too. There are so many other situations where I can’t seem to be hanging around without drinking. And people might say well just quit first and then after a while you can reintroduce yourself to those social situations, but you know something, I’ve tested out not having a drink in those social situations, and it’s miserable. I sit there craving a drink, yes I know, it’s alcoholism, I admit it!
I’m sorry to say I don’t know if it is even possible for me to cut it out of my life completely. It’s starting to seem like I need to cut back, but also that sounds like a mission. It’s just an attachment I’ve built around me, and nights feel empty and somewhat lonely without beer. I know some might read this and laugh, but it’s an incredible love I have grown for beer. I’ve been able to quit cigarettes, weed, and anything else I’ve grown fond of throughout my years. But this, I don’t know, I think I’m pretty much screwed! I’ll be sad without it, and I’ll probably be with serious health problems soon if I keep at it. It is a lose, lose situation for me.
I am currently doing my best to drink less on average, but to cut it out, I think I need to be hypnotized or something, I don’t know. Anyway, I can sit and talk about this topic for hours, but I will just leave you guys here with that. I have no words of wisdom for you, or advice, or even any conclusion to this story, but thank you for reading and I’m happy to be a part of the Shameless Protocol community. Thanks again for reading, and having me here.